Building Confidence after Break Up

Patricia Love

It happens and it sucks.

Things just don’t always work out.

And when Disney brainwashes young girls to believe that happily ever after immediately follows love-at-first-sight or true love’s first kiss… well we’re bound to be set up for disappointment.

Now, I’m not here to crap on love. I love love. But I also know that reality bites… sometimes. For women especially when it comes to breakups because oftentimes, it’s US who put all of our heart and soul into a relationship, fully invest, and then are left with nothing but a broken heart in the end.

So, first thing’s first… just because it didn’t work out this time. Remind yourself that it doesn’t mean it CAN’T or WON’T ever work out. You don’t need to swear off love or swear off men (or women, if that’s your jam).

The key thing to remember is that your relationship status does not determine your self-worth. You are worthy of love and you ARE enough. Repeat that to yourself a few times. Put a sticky note on your mirror so you see it each and every morning if you need a reminder.

Another key thing to note about relationships that work is the word WORK. Relationships take work. Whether it’s with friends, family, or your partner. You simply need to find someone who is equally willing to put in that work and has the other key elements that typically correspond with successful relationships, ie. similar beliefs and values and a mutual appreciation and love for you, their partner.

BUT, alas, I am not a LOVE coach or a therapist for that matter, I’m a CONFIDENCE coach; so, let’s talk confidence POST-breakup.

If you’re fresh out of a breakup, then you know. For others, you may think back to times after breakups in your life and recognize them as some of your lowest points. I’ve been there. We all have and it’s HARD. Your confidence is usually down there in the dumps with you because let’s face it, the breaking up process is someone taking a PERMANENT break FROM YOU… it doesn’t exactly make you feel WANTED or boost your self-esteem. Rather, it typically has the opposite effect.

So how do we go about conquering those feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness? Here are my tips for bouncing back after a breakup or rather… instead of the post-breakup BLUES, here are my post-breakup DOS!

[1] The first one is simple: do something that makes you smile, that brings you joy, or makes you feel good. It doesn’t matter WHY. You don’t need to read into it, you just need to do it. Perhaps, it’s something creative like coloring, painting, or crafting that is mildly stimulating but does a bigger, more important job of taking your mind off the sadness. It is ok to grieve a relationship, and you should, but not to the point it makes you question yourself. There’s a time to be sad and there’s a time to push forward. Yes, you’re distracting yourself but not from processing your grief, you’re distracting yourself from beating up on yourself, which is key. We all have a tendency to absolve more blame than is truly ours to bear when it comes to relationships ending. Acknowledge what needs acknowledging but don’t add to the load. As they say, it takes two to tango; two to be together, and two to uncouple.

With this one, it can be great to pick up on an old project left unfinished or rekindle your love for a hobby that has been neglected. In relationships, many of us naturally create new priorities around our partners. Hobbies can change and focus more on mutual interests and activities you can do together. When you look to find something you enjoy, get back together with something you used to do often and enjoy when you were on your own before.

[2] The second one that will help your confidence is a reality check. No really. Take off the rose-colored glasses, sweetheart. Someone once said to me something after a breakup that has stuck with me for years and I call it back when I find myself romanticizing people from my past. “Things don’t end because of the good; they end because of the bad.” So when you think back on the relationship, of course, remember the good, but don’t OVER-indulge in it. This is not to say that you should demonize all your past partners or play the victim either, but take the good with the bad. It’s all about balance, honey. Of course, there were beautiful moments and wonderful memories, but at the end, there were always the reasons that led up to that ending, and they likely weren’t daisies and butterflies.

One way to handle this one is to turn to the ones in your life where there are no rosy glasses at all. Your “day ones,” your “ride or dies,” your “BFFs.” The ones you know for who they really are and they know you in the same way. Sometimes in relationships, again as priorities naturally shift, there are other relationships that are not given as much attention or sometimes downright neglected (a bad habit to form!). I suggest reconnecting with the people in your life who are always there for you and right with you in your process from sadness, doubt, and grief to calm, reassured, and confident!

[3] And lastly, this one is simple…or at least easy in principle – some may say, easier said than done…

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

This starts with being mindful of your thoughts. If you are going down the path of negativity, self-doubt, or blame… refer to steps one and two: [1] healthy distractions that bring your joy & [2] surrounding yourself with good, reliable friends and family.

This can also fall under the stereotypical female breakup response of changing your hair or your clothes. Honestly, babes, there’s nothing wrong with that!*

*As long as you are properly dealing with your grief and not escaping and trying to be someone else… it’s totally okay to try something new and fresh, turn that chapter, create that fresh start, and try on a new style or look.

Sometimes, it’s an easy and refreshing way to actually help yourself move on as long as it isn’t a crutch, and it can lead to a fun night of hair-dyeing-messiness and a shopping trip with your girls. As long as you are putting yourself FIRST, stepping OUT… literally and figuratively: getting out of the house, getting out of your comfort zone – there is nothing wrong with a “new” you to help you conquer the post-breakup blues. Read More Confidence Blogs.

Hugs and Love

Patricia